Any dolt with half a brain
can see the human kind has gone insane
to the point where I don't know if I'll upset the status quo
if I throw poison in the water main.
Listen close to everybody's heart
and hear that breaking sound.
Hopes and dreams are shattering apart
and crashing to the ground.
I cannot believe my eyes
how the world's filled with filth and lies.
But it's plain to see evil inside of me...
is on the rise.
Look around
we're living with the lost and found.
Just when you feel you've almost drowned,
you find yourself on solid ground.
And you believe there's good in everybody's heart.
Keep it safe and sound.
With hope you can do your part
to turn a life around.
I can not believe my eyes.
Is the world finally growing wise?
'Cause it seems to me
some kind of harmony
is on the rise.
- Make it slow. - Anyone with half a brain
- He looks at me and seems to know -... could spend their whole life howling in pain
-... the things that I'm afraid to show - It's a darkness everywhere and Penny doesn’t seem
-... and suddenly I feel this glow. -... to care that soon the dark in me is all that will remain
- And I believe there's good in everybody's heart. - Listen close to everybody’s heart
- and keep it safe and sound. - and hear that breaking sound.
- With hope you can do your part - Hopes and dreams are shattering apart
-... to turn a life around. -... and crashing to the ground.
- I can not believe my eyes - I can not believe my eyes
- how the world finally growing wise - how the world’s filled with filth and lies
- But it's plain to see - And it's plain to see
- evil inside of me - rapture inside of me
- is on the rise. - is on the rise.
It is so dumb that we're been coming here so long and never spoke.
I know, all those months doing this stunningly boring chore.
I'm a fan of laundering.
Psych! I love it!
To smell the fabric softener...
the warm clothes in your hands...
So good!
Hey, this is weird.
I ordered one frozen yogurt and they gave me two.
You don't happen to like frozen yogurt, do you?
I love it!
You're kidding! What a crazy random happenstance.
- Here. - Thank you.
So how was your weekend?
Did you spend the whole time hunting wild signatures?
Umm.. actually, I went on a date.
Get right out of town. How was that?
Unexpected.
He's a really good-looking guy and
I thought he was kinda cheesy at first.
Trust your instincts.
But he turned out to be totally sweet.
Sometimes people are layered like that.
There's something totally different underneath
than what's on the surface.
And sometimes there's a third, even deeper level
and that one is the same as the top surface one.
- Huh? - Like with pie.
So are you gonna see him again?
I think I will.
- Billy? - Yeah.
You're driving this fork into your leg.
So I am. Hilarious!
Alright, the wait is over.
This, my friends, is my freeze ray
which with the addition of the Wonderflonium I obtained
at my famously successful heist last week.
I say successful in that l achieved my objective.
It was less successful in that
I inadvertently introduced my archnemesis to the girl of my dreams.
And now he's taking her out on dates
and they're probably going to french kiss or something.
She called him "sweet". How is he sweet?
Right! Freeze ray!
So, as of tonight, l am in the Evil League of Evil
if all goes according to plan, which it will,
because I hold a PhD in horribleness.
See you at the aftermath. Peace!
But not literally.
...uhh... freeze ray needs work.
I also need to be a little bit more careful about what I say on this blog.
Apparently the LAPD and Captain Hammer are among our viewers.
They were waiting for me at the Mayor's dedication
of the Superhero Memorial Bridge.
The freeze ray takes a few seconds to warm up and I wasn't...
Captain Hammer threw a car at my head.
Not to worry though, because I'm...
One sec.
He saw the operation you tried to pull today.
But your humiliation means he still votes nay.
And now assassination is just the only way.
There will be blood, it might be yours
so go kill someone. signed - Bad Horse.
Kill someone?
Would you do it?
To get into the Evil League of Evil?
Look at me, man! I'm Moist!
At my most badass, I make people feel like they want to take a shower.
I'm not ELE material.
Killing is not elegant or creative, it's not my style.
You got more than enough evil hours to get into the henchman's union.
I'm not a henchman.
I'm Dr. Horrible.
I've got a PhD in horribleness.
Is that the new catchphrase?
I deserve to get in. You know I do.
But killing? Really?
Hourglass says she knows a kid in Iowa who grows up to become president.
That'd be big.
I'm not gonna kill a little kid.
- Smother an old lady? - Do I even know you?
I just, you know, really think I'm...
qualified for this job.
And... I just can't get my foot in the door.
I'm sure you will.
I wanna do great things, you know.
I wanna be an achiever like Bad Horse.
The thoroughbred of sin?
I meant Ghandi.
Well, I've gotten turned down from plenty of jobs.
Even fired a few times.
I can't imagine anybody firing you.
Neither could I.
Now I can visualize it really well.
- But you know everything happens... - Don't say for a reason.
No, I'm just saying that... everything happens.
Not to me.
Here's the story of a girl who grew up lost and lonely.
Thinking love was fairy tale
and trouble was made only for me.
Even in the darkness
every color can be found.
And every day your rain brings water
flowing to things growing in the ground.
Grief replaced with pity
for a city barely coping.
Dreams are easy to achieve
if hope is all I'm hoping to be.
Anytime you're hurt there's one who has it worse around.
And every drop of rain will keep you growing
seeds you're sowing in the ground.
So keep your head up Billy buddy.
It's like Captain Hammer is always saying.
Right!
How are things with Cheesy on the outside?
Good. They're good.
He's nice.
I'll be interested to know what you think of him.
He said he might stop by.
- Stop by here? - Yeah.
Oh, goodness! Look at my wrist! I gotta go!
But... but what about your clothes?
I don't want these. See you!
- Oh, pardon. - Pardon!
Billy, this is Captain Hammer.
Oh, Billy, the laundry buddy. It's very nice to meet you.
We're meeting now for the first time.
You look horribly familiar.
One of those faces I guess.
Have I seen you at the gym?
At the gym, yeah.
I don't go to the gym, I'm just naturally like this.
Oh, well.
Who wants to know what the Mayor is doing behind closed doors?
He is signing over a certain building to a Caring Hands group
as a new homeless shelter.
- Oh my God! - Yep!
Apparently the only signature he needed
was my fist.
But with a pen in it.
That I was signing with.
I can't believe it.
- Congratulations. - Thank you! Thank you!
Oh!
Well, this is great. I wish I could stay and chitchat.
It sure was nice to meet you...
Doctor.
You've got a little crush, don't you doc?
Well, that's gonna make this hard to hear.
See, later I'm gonna take little Penny back to my place.
Show her the command center.
The Hammer-cycle. Maybe even the Ham-jet.
You think she likes me now?
I'm gonna give Penny the night of her life.
Just because you want her.
And I get
what you want.
See, Penny's giving it up. She's giving it up hard.
'Cause she's with Captain Hammer.
And these...
are not the hammer.
The hammer is my penis.
This appeared as a moral dilemma 'cause at first it was weird
though I swore to eliminate the worst of the plague that devoured humanity
it's true I was vague on the how so how can it be that you
have shown me the light.
It's a brand new day and the sun is high.
All the birds are singing that you're gonna die.
How I hesitated now I wonder why.
It's a brand new day.
All the time that you beat me unconscious I forgive.
All the crimes incomplete, listen, honestly I'll live.
Mr. Cool. Mr. Right. Mr. Know-it-all is through.
Now the future's so bright and I owe it all to you.
have shown me the light.
It's a brand new me. I got no remorse.
Now the water's rising but I know the course.
I'm gonna shock the world, gonna show Bad Horse.
It's a brand new day.
And Penny will see the evil me.
Not a joke, not a dork, not a failure.
And she may cry but her tears will dry
when I hand her the keys to a shiny new Australia.
It's a brand new day. Yeah, the sun is high.
All the angels sing because you're gonna die.
Go ahead and laugh. Yeah, I'm a funny guy.
Tell everyone goodbye!
It's a brand new day.